I hate to think of friendship as transactional; I truly do– but when should you stop putting effort into a friendship?

Friendships, as well as people, grow and change. Some weeks you are in your personal hell, and cannot be truly present for the people in your life who matter. Other weeks, you are fully present, a shoulder to cry on and a helping hand. I’ve been a terrible friend who ignores my phone for weeks, but I know that I show up when it matters. I also know that I have been on the receiving end. Whether it’s something small like a friend offering to grab you a coffee, or the big things like holding your hand as you confess a terrifying truth. But when is friendship too much? What do you do when you are pouring everything into a relationship that the other person doesn’t care about? I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words. Someone can say that they “love you.” This is a phrase that I think we’ve become all too comfortable with, but do they show it? Friendship is not hypothetical; it’s actually showing up and proving it every day. People generally understand and practice this principle in their romantic relationships, but forget about this with platonic ones. What would you do if your long-term partner constantly stood you up because they had homework, or told people your secrets, or consistently spent time with people you couldn’t stand? In any relationship, we cannot control the other, but there have to be boundaries; everything gets to a point when suddenly you cannot stand it. 

I know that I am a good friend. I am fiercely loyal. I also don’t waste my breath on people I don’t want to. Some of my friends are definitely people pleasers and do a better job at fake niceties than I do. Maybe they’re more mature than I am, but at the end of the day I have no desire to waste my breath on people who have their minds made up on me. My therapist has constantly cautioned me from seeing the world in black and white; grey areas are possible! Because of this, I think I allow my friends to get away with too much. The people in my life are so important to me; I am busy, but I choose to make time for them. Because I know them, I see their struggles, and I justify their actions even when they hurt me because “They didn’t mean it”. In a sense, this is me acting as the people pleaser and pacifying the issues through justifying them. A good friend should understand their friends, and at times I think it is vital to justify small mistakes. But what do you do when it gets to be too much? Confront them? I find that if you need to confront friends, the focus should not be on where to place the blame, but instead focus on how you feel. Maybe it’s juvenile advice, but leading with “I feel” statements truly do make a difference. Maybe the conversation won’t go well, maybe they’ll refuse to change, but at least you tried. You cannot beg someone to change, and you should not have to. You are deserving of a friend that makes you feel loved and valued. If a friend hurts you, they should apologize even if they did not mean it. Friendship means giving up your pride and showing up, even when it’s hard. Yes, we cannot always give another person everything, but the little things make a difference. Friendship is not hypothetical; it’s showing up and practicing it every day.