Dear —,
A piece of me can’t help but wonder what it would have been like if we had tried harder. I say we but really, I mean me. I know I didn’t give us a fair shot.
You were too pretty for me, too smart, too put together. Your dreams had been laid out in front of you since you were 12 and you found joy in accomplishing each one of them. I looked at you and saw someone who had passion spilling out of their eyes and a heart so fragile yet resilient. I looked at myself and saw a girl who was failing every task put in front of her, waking up every morning with the taste of regret on my tongue and another scar on her body. I was so dim and bleak and you quite literally lit up every space you entered. You are the human equivalent of Christmas lights and homemade confetti.
I never told you this, but I always looked for you at football games. You were basically a celebrity, down on the field looking more confident than I ever have. I was in the stands with my parents, pretending I wasn’t paying you so much attention.
I can’t lie and say the flag I fly feels like me all the time. The world makes me feel like a faker for having preferences and there’s a hurt deep within me I’m still trying to heal. I know I am secretive and a coward. You deserved someone who would have shouted your name from the fucking rooftops and kissed you in the middle of the street. I was too scared to hold your hand in the middle of a cemetery with no one around.
Sometimes I imagine redoing that second date. I would have brought a bigger blanket and worn nicer clothes instead of the flannel I pulled from the back of my closet. I would have brushed my arm against yours as we walked to Schenley and truly listened as you talked about the shows you always watched with your mom. You had the presence of sunlit honey but I was too blind to see it. I imagine your head in my lap as I brush through your hair. The blue, purple, and pink flush rising to my cheeks would have felt normal. Felt right.
When you said goodbye that day you did so with a sad sigh.
And I felt nothing. I was worried about beating the traffic home.
I know we weren’t right, and I can’t change that. But I’m so so sorry I didn’t even try.
Love,
—