My whole life, I have felt like I have been “almost” there,
The backup second baseman on my high school softball team,
runner-up in every competition, the second-choice friend,
and half a point away from getting the higher grade.
I am always the friend everyone goes to when their other friends are busy,
the one who walks behind the group on the sidewalk,
and the person left to sit alone in the back seat of the car.
Involved yet never included.
My entire life has been an identity crisis of sorts,
like I am too much for some and not enough for others.
It's as if the universe has made everything unclear,
except for the fact that I am always so close to something.
Maybe that is why I have learned never to get my hopes up,
because being almost something feels safer than believing I could be.
I have become familiar with the feeling of watching
someone else get what I wanted,
while telling myself I am happy for them.
Still, I keep wondering what it would feel like to be someone's first.
To be chosen without hesitation,
to be wanted without having to earn it,
to walk into a room and know I belong there.
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