In elementary school, I had a friend group of typical 6 to 11-year-old boys. From time to time, some would talk about their celebrity crush or a girl they liked in school. When they would ask me, I just shrugged it off, thinking I didn’t have one. People would talk about the opposite sex, but I knew I wasn’t drawn to females. Now that I have just turned 20 years old, I can finally admit that my celebrity crush was Nick Cannon from TeenNick Top 10… let me share my story.
Middle school is where my sexuality became more ambiguous to others. I started to upload Musical.lys to music like Meghan Trainor, Ariana Grande, Jessie J, and Nicki Minaj. This caused a lot of craze around the school.
“Are you gay?”
“What do you mean?”
There were times I would say “yes” because I thought it meant that I was happy which isn’t necessarily wrong, just not the answer they were looking for. Eventually, they let go of the
idea of me possibly being gay. When I was about 12 years old, wondering why I would blush uncontrollably at attractive male leads on TV shows, it finally hit me.
I’m gay.
I started by only telling my close friends in middle school. Yet one “close friend” happened to tell my sister that I was gay. I was stunned and embarrassed. She was clearly in shock and forced me to tell my parents when I didn’t feel ready. There was a lot of crying…and arguments. However, I wasn’t super surprised by this. My parents are baby boomers, a generation more close-minded to homosexuality. My dad cried saying that he was very upset that I trusted my friends over my family. A few days later, my parents confronted me.
“You’re not gay, son. You’re just confused.”
They truly didn’t believe me. Years passed by, and I stayed silent.
Why should I tell them again if they are not going to believe me?
I don’t want to get yelled at again. If they don’t know, everything will be great.
Finally, when I turned 18, a yearning in my heart told me that I should tell them. I didn’t want to live in fear anymore; whatever the consequences may be, I would persevere. I told my parents one by one, and the results were remarkably relieving. My father told me that he believed I should be happy. He added though that I would still “find my perfect girl someday.” My mother also obliged, as long as I didn’t “wear makeup and become some sort of flamboyant drag queen.”
Being a teenager is hard. Everyone is figuring themselves out. Not everyone can say that their parents are accepting. Though the reactions weren’t perfect, I am eternally grateful that I was not kicked out of my home or sent to conversion therapy which is an unfortunate reality for many queer people.
Though coming out was meant to be a celebration, I was still stuck in my overwhelmingly conservative hometown. Yet with college coming around the corner, I knew this would be my chance to meet new people and different backgrounds.
After being here almost two years now, I can say that I’ve become a stronger person while being surrounded by a stronger and more accepting gay community. Though Nick Cannon is no longer my celebrity crush, ask me what it is now. I don’t mind answering.
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