Cold, red, and dying blood
dries straight in lines
of crimson
Hot, white, and brutal force
pounds into the space between each stripe
of scarlet pain
Wet, blue, and tragic tears
fall repeatedly in outlines
of taunting stars
Our anguish is the flag of our country
Rippling in harsh wind,
grasping at any thread
of fought-over freedom.
Before tearing apart completely.
Solitude is a delicacy that not everyone can digest–rich and robust and somewhat difficult to swallow. To some, it’s a treat. Sure, if you indulge in it too often, it may become a bore. But if you allow your taste buds to mature, taking in the flavors bite by bite, it may grow on you.
Solitude has been my comfort food. I’ve sampled it during walks in Schenley Park, at-home movie nights, and Sunday morning resets.
But lately, I’ve been fantasizing about living in a four-bedroom apartment with three other girls. We wouldn’t need to plan nights out; we could live off of spontaneity, eating Trader Joe’s microwave dinners and randomly deciding on a Friday night that we have the energy to dance. We’d flood into a bathroom far too small to fit us all, and take turns sharing a straightener while picking out everyone’s tiny top, baggy jean combo. The best part: I wouldn’t return to an empty home. There’d be a debrief waiting for me at breakfast. A meal I normally skip.
If I followed the recipe for making friends in college, I’d be planning group grad pictures for the upcoming spring. Maybe my group would be my roommates, or the friends that I met on my freshman year floor. We’d take photos of us standing in front of the fountain near the Frick Fine Arts building with Cathy in the background, and post to our Instagrams with the Dr. Dog song, “Where’d All the Time Go?” Eventually, we’d walk home with our heels in hand and gowns draped over our shoulders, reminiscing about all the memories we made across the four years we spent together. But I skipped the recipe.
Solitude has an aftertaste, and people are quick to point it out:
“Don’t you get FOMO?”
“You're too friendly to be an introvert.”
“If I were you, my thoughts would get too loud.”
They do: What if I hadn’t let my previous experience with roommates scar me, and I had actually taken the leap of faith and lived with girls for my last two years of college? What if I weren’t such a pushover and let people abuse my social battery? Do I even blame them?
For so long, I’d proudly exclaim how I’m an introvert. My time spent alone wasn’t only necessary, but sweet: staying up late, listening to my records, and dancing around my living room like I’m in a 90s coming-of-age movie. My at-home concert attire was an oversized t-shirt thrown over some underwear, and fuzzy socks to top it off. And when I started feeling breathless from jumping on my bed for far too many minutes, a tub of ice cream would be waiting for me in the freezer. I could turn off my records, crawl into bed, and let the sound of trains passing by lull me to sleep.
The second I put my social battery on the back burner, my time alone turned into doomscrolling until 3 AM and sleeping in until 5 PM. It tasted sour, but I was willing to sacrifice my emotions to be there for others. In reality, I was draining all the energy I had left, so much so that my alone time wasn’t enough to recharge me.
Solitude should be savored.
As I’ve entered my senior year, I’ve let people go and have felt my stomach ache because I don’t know how to tell them why. How does one explain they need more time alone?
I remember that I don’t have the stereotypical friend group that people write sitcoms about, and I begin wondering where I fit in. But I do have friends from freshman year who I can happily say have stuck by my side throughout all my ups and downs. I have close ones who welcome me into their homes so often that their roommates have become my friends as well. They inspire me to make last-minute plans, listen to undiscovered artists, unapologetically speak about politics, text that one person I’ve been meaning to catch up with, and fully embrace time spent alone.
It seems counterintuitive, but all this time spent with people who fill my cup has made me crave solitude again. That time to reflect, to consume, to create, to dance, to sing off-key. I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit to the occasional loneliness, but I can confidently say that solitude has started tasting sweet again.
For the past year and nine months, my relationship with my boyfriend has taught me so much about myself and how I navigate life.
Although the honeymoon phase of my relationship has worn off, the awe of being loved by someone hasn’t. Every day I look forward to seeing my boyfriend, and I am always willing to drop all to help him with whatever he needs because I know that he would do the same for me.
But, slowly, I noticed that I had started to center my relationship around being perfect for him, and not the actual connection between us.
Most days when I woke up in the morning, I got ready thinking, “What would a girlfriend wear?” When I went grocery shopping, I thought of meals that I know he would like, even if it’s not something I would typically eat, and numerous times throughout the day, I would text, call, or even just wonder what he’s doing.
At first, I thought nothing of this. Habits shift when you're in a relationship, but what I thought was consideration was turning into clinginess. I started to become insecure about myself. That's when I began to wonder, “When did I lose myself in my own relationship?”
Before my boyfriend, I had never dated anyone– I had never even had a semi-successful talking stage, so when we started dating, I created this idea of “the perfect girlfriend,” and she was who I aspired to be. The so-called selfless things I was doing for him were fueled by my own insecurities. He’s never asked me to make him dinner, but in my mind, the perfect girlfriend knows how to cook (something that I am terrible at). He doesn’t ask me to help him tidy his room, but in my mind, the perfect girlfriend offers. He doesn’t ask me to pick him over my friends, but in my mind, the perfect girlfriend chooses her boyfriend above all.
Sure, being in a relationship changes other things in your life, too, but being “the perfect girlfriend” became my whole personality, and it wasn’t something he had ever asked of me. It's cheesy, but I wanted so badly to be the girl that you take home to your family for the holidays or the girl that you buy flowers for every Friday, that I forgot who I am, what I stand for, and how to be content with myself.
Although it took a while, I started to remember that he knew me before I was a girlfriend. When I was just me, dressing in what I wanted to wear in the morning, never offering to cook a meal for anyone, and especially not trying to be perfect for a man. I can’t create an unrealistic expectation for myself because, at the end of the day, he fell in love with me, not “the perfect girlfriend.”
These things take time
Unwillingness
Irreverence
Obdurate omnipresence
Stepping afar induced relief
from a personalized station.
The first step brought hesitation
Well compatriot, it was more than the first
As I switched right to left I shuffled backwards in bursts Fully approaching with forward motion
She was startled as though a doe
Fully halting engagement made the entire advancement forgo
Natural forward motion
Lunar eclipses guide the ocean
Waves roll in, one after the next
Never worrying about wavering,
never waver on with worry.
Reflect as though a deer facing off headlights,
The final showdown,
Always unknown.
The moon reflects the sun,
though only moonlight shows.
Singular steps mirror the success of future days unseen.
Stationed in a combative theater
Deployment essential,
an unwanted dream.
Identity reveals and intrepid zeitgeist
Never look back,
but always think twice.
Perfection arranges complexes
Levels wring the necks of their proclaimers
Elucidate the ambient reckoning
Pressure echoing in the heart of fools
Precipitate out the privilege
Shed the foolhardiness and praise
Simplify, don’t crucify
In lighter moments rest your gaze
With the steps come hesitation,
And hesitations abandon as time,
Comes forward for resequestration,
Of our Hearts, our Bodies, and Minds
Obdurate omnipresence
Built the cornerstone of all contentions
Projected premonitions in all directions
Though barely a signal was detected
Never assume that the “right step” should be taken… When it only was directed
I think I may know my next step.
Again.
For the first time.
Growing up, I had a unique combination of being shy while also badly-behaved. I was curious, and, naturally, a little bit annoying. I had chunky blue glasses, and I was the tallest girl in the classroom until I eventually peaked at 5’5”. “Why?” was my favorite word, and I wouldn’t hesitate to ask it! Even in inappropriate settings, because I had no situational awareness.
Writing came easily to me. In elementary school, I won the end-of-year “Best Writer” certificate three years in a row. My high school superlative was “Most Likely to be a Famous Writer.” My dad once told me that me choosing not to write would be like Muhammad Ali choosing not to box. That hurt my feelings, and I couldn’t tell why.
Writing was something that I could use to make myself easier to understand, because, at the risk of sounding corny, I have felt hard to understand for most of my life. Personal essays allowed readers to see me for who I was beyond their initial perceptions.
In college, I obviously chose to major in English Writing. Thinking back, this is probably when I started to fall out of love with it.
We have so many talented writers on campus. I quickly realized I was no longer the best. In fact, I may be terrible!
As late assignments started piling up–even as a senior, they still pile up, and I feel like I never fully adapted to a college workload–I got more and more discouraged. I would write whatever got me a passing grade, and I faded into the background as a below-average student. I write for fun, it doesn’t work. It feels like nails on a chalkboard.
The fear is, maybe I only wrote because it was what I thought I was supposed to do.
I recently had a meeting with one of my favorite professors in the English department. I was listing my concerns to her, and she said words that were equally freeing and terrifying: “You don’t have to write anymore, if you don’t want to.”
My first thought was that I still have to finish my major, so she’s technically wrong, but she had a point. Why does this have to be my creative outlet? I’m not chained to writing personal essays, but consciously choosing to give it up entirely feels like a death sentence.
So, I concluded that I do love writing–maybe just not right now, or at least, not in the way I used to. I like writing scripts, and talking about media critically. I like interviewing people, and researching. I guess I’m just not in the mood to get personal.
Maybe I finally don’t feel the need to justify my every action to you through recounting my own inner dialogue. I now need to understand the world as I see it. But, one day, I have faith that I will inhale and exhale again. You’ll all hear from me when I do.
During one of my literature classes this week, we discussed whether or not parents should have a say in what books are being shelved in school libraries. I’ve always found this question quite ridiculous, because, though parents may have kids, that does not make them experts in children’s development. There are people who dedicate their entire lives to studying what children should and shouldn't be reading, what good material looks like for kids, and how to best present information to children. People dedicate their entire lives to this study, so why all of the sudden do people think that they know better than these experts?
This was the question that raised in my mind that then led to a line of thinking about why everyone nowadays thinks they need to be an expert in everything – or worse, why they think they already are. It's an interesting phenomenon and something you see happening throughout everything; whether that be proper medical treatments for certain ailments, or nutrition and health sciences and the best diet plan for you! A large part of this has to do with the idea that we can learn everything because of our access to technology. The development of these technologies, and our access to information, is a good thing. I'm not trying to dispute that or change that by any means, however, I do think that it is important to notice that you aren't an expert on something just because you've read an article on it. You do not know everything about vaccines or global politics because you simply have not dedicated your life to the study of these fields. And that’s okay. I think people nowadays are really uncomfortable with not knowing things. Which is unfortunate because this is how communities and relationships are built. You don't have to know everything because there are people around you who do know these things. I'm lucky enough to have friends who are not all English majors; some are biology majors, some are education majors, some are urban planning majors, and others are film and art history majors. My friends all have different subjects and the other people in my life contain these differences as well. My mom is a psychologist and my dad is a property developer and my brother wants to be a sports medicine doctor. Together, we have a plethora of knowledge and our combined knowledge leads us to being one whole community. One that's able to help and pick up the pieces where others lack. It's important to not know everything.
It's important to not be skilled in everything, because if you were, then what's the point of talking to anyone? What's the point of trying to learn other people's skills and getting to know what other people are good at? What's the point of learning if you already know everything? And we need to learn to grow.
I was recently scrolling through Instagram reels after a long day of classes. Tini, my maybe 3-month-old kitten (she’s a barn cat, so the age is a guesstimate) was biting at my toes when I came across one of those inspirational videos of people being surprised. I’m a sucker for a feel-good funny moment, so I stayed and watched. About halfway through the video, a scene of two older women, titled as being best friends, were reunited. As I am scrolling through the comments and as they laugh and hug, I stumble across a comment that says, ‘imagine how many times they had to forgive each other.’ This really struck me. I’ve never thought about the bad times in friendship longevity. I guess I had assumed everyone got along and were magically perfect. Never did I think a connection like that was a thing that was worked for.
Of course I have had my own hardships in the friend section. And more recently, as I grow—and scroll—I realize not everything is cut and dry. Things are messy, people are messy. And that is the best part. The mess, the joy, the excitement, the passion, the love. But friendship doesn’t just stop there. With every mess, there needs to be clean ups. There are apologies, and brevity, and awkwardness. I’ve realized that doesn’t mean things are broken, it doesn’t cancel out the good times. Instead, it is a testament to the foundation that love is built upon. Forgiveness, as well as accepting when one is wrong, isn’t an easy feat. If it were, nobody would fear messing up. And to be honest, I don’t think the two women on my screen would be as happy as they look. If every building fell in San Francisco when an earthquake hit, people would stop living there. But the city thrives. Because in our hearts, as people, we forgive. We pick up the mess, even when it isn’t easy. And we keep going. Because everybody deserves to be the people on my screen, at 10pm at night, making me tear up at the love radiating through the screen. Okay, maybe the tears are from Tini, but the effect is still the same.
When selfishness is understood as the act of prioritizing one’s own needs, well-being, and tough choices, personal growth plays a crucial role in improving mental stability. True selfishness is not about neglecting others or becoming self-centered;. iIt is about understanding that taking care of oneself is an essential part of becoming a better human being. Although some people give selfishness a negative connotation, by examining increased self respect, improved relationships and sky-rocketing maturity it is clear that being selfish is a key role in personal growth.
One of the most significant benefits of embracing selfishness is the increased self-respect that comes with it. Many people struggle with self-esteem issues because they spend so much time rooted in other people’s problems, ultimately neglecting their own needs. When individuals learn to focus on themselves, they begin to develop a deeper sense of self. One way this can occur is setting personal boundaries. Taking care of oneself ensures that a person does not lose their sense of identity. For example, I may decide to take a “self care day,” say no to a work shift or stay in on a Saturday night. I make sure to take time for my own hobbies, activities, and relaxation without feeling the need to please others. This boosts my confidence and solidifies the idea that my own happiness is just as important as everyone else’s. Making oneself a priority helps to eliminate the guilt that often accompanies putting personal needs first. When a person realizes that taking care of themselves isn’t selfish in a negative way, but rather necessary for mental and physical health, they can build a stronger foundation of self-esteem.
Though some may disagree, being selfish can actually improve relationships. People who take time to nurture their own mental and emotional health not only are more pleasant to be around but are better individuals to be supported by. Within relationships, healthy selfishness can be a positive thing. The saying goes, “You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.” It is evident that when a person knows what they need and want in life, they are more likely to have better communication skills, reducing any misunderstanding amongst a relationship. Whether the relationship is platonic or romantic, respect should be a given. A person who seeks to benefit themselves first will know how to demand the respect they know they are worthy of. Positive selfishness means not settling for relationships that are mentally and physically harmful. If someone is being called “selfish” for wanting to get out of a toxic relationship, then so be it. Ultimately, that person would be doing a disservice to themselves if they stayed in that relationship. From personal experience, I have had to distance myself from a friendship because of the competitiveness we were exhibiting. This time apart helped my friend understand that this wasn’t me rejecting her out of my life but rather it was a moment to recharge as a personal necessity. Some may see this as a selfish act, but I believe it facilitated our friendship to become stronger than ever. Now, we both acknowledge when we need a moment of distance or a reset in order for us to be a better friend to one another.
Additionally, self-prioritization fosters maturity by encouraging individuals to make tough choices that lead to necessary benefits. Growing up, difficult decisions will come and go and sometimes someone may need to make the best call for themselves at that moment in time. Maturity is demonstrated through the ability to detect when a situation serves no real value to one’s well-being while also having the courage to make necessary changes. For instance, I once have had to leave a job during its busiest season because it was affecting me mentally. My manager wanted me to stay but I had to maturely decline for my personal growth. This form of selfishness allows people to become more independent and it builds resilience needed to navigate life’s obstacles.
On the other hand, excessive amounts of selfishness can have negative effects. Crossing the “self-centered line” could lead to strained relationships, social isolation, and an inability to show empathy towards others. Putting down others is different than solely lifting oneself up. Self-improvement should never never come at the expense of others. Personal growth is a balance between self-care and still being a good person. While displaying boundaries and making tough choices, it is equally important to practice empathy throughout life.
In conclusion, healthy selfishness is a vital part of leading a fulfilling lifestyle and fascinating positive relationships. It helps foster self-esteem issues, help individuals grow, and ensures that they are able to be attentive to others. By focusing on one’s own needs and desires, people can create lives that are in line with their values, build stronger bonds, and contribute positively to their environment. As a society, it is time to change the way we see selfishness. Instead, we shall recognize it as a powerful form of self discovery in enhancing personal growth.
Shower Thought:
I’ve come to the realization that recently…not even recently, but in general, I feel like I’ve just been consuming way too much media. Now this isn’t a bad thing, but this also isn’t the most superficial best thing that’s going on in my life. However, at the same time, consuming media has altered my personality in ways that me just living my life really wouldn’t, in the case that others around have used such forms to express themselves as well. So that being said, you know when we think of media in terms of these past few years, we can think of certain news such as presidential elections, protests, etc. But when I think of media, I also think of very creative people that you would never just see on a random day walking to work. Sometimes I would be on my phone for eight to eleven hours a day. Other times it could only be four hours a day, which goes to show how much I really consume in that one singular day. So on certain days, I feel much more expressive and intuitive with my thoughts, yet for the rest, my forms of expression can feel like a comparison rather than motivation.
For example, Pinterest is one of my favorite apps. I get so much inspiration and plenty of motivation from Pinterest especially with what I want to do with my future. I could be scrolling through Pinterest for hours and hours and people around me may think like “oh you’re just looking through other people’s life, you’re not really using it for yours.” That could be true, perhaps in their minds; but for me, a simple pin to my “future career” board on Pinterest changes my perception of where I stand today to really, really manifest. The same as looking back five to ten years, what’s to come in the next couple of hours, you know? So to be fair, of course using your phone, your laptop, any other forms of digital device that can produce media can be unhealthy for individuals like myself, but that doesn’t mean that it’s useless.
Where I’m going with this is to say that for future generations, media can really be consumed in that you want it to. If you want to use it to cure your boredom, you an easy doom scroll can fulfill that. And that’s perfectly fine because that’s what you want (and need) for the time being. But as for myself, using media and observing how others have used it has given me ways to frequently style myself, improve my vocabulary, educate, and regenerate the losses I’ve felt days prior.
There it is again, that annoying sound of the alarm clock going off every. single. morning. You rush to turn it off, maybe pick up your phone and doom scroll for a few minutes, and roll back to sleep for an hour that feels like five minutes. This is realistic. If I took a poll of a room right now, I would bet a significant amount of people do this.
Yet, when you scroll on tiktok, you may see an ad for the Hatch Alarm Clock. You know, the aesthetic one that rises with the sun and plays pretty bird chirping sounds. All of a sudden that very alarm clock you used this morning isn’t on trend so you go to buy the $170 Hatch. Okay, we’re just trying to be more relaxed in the morning, right?
We don’t just compare waking up habits, we do the same thing with food. Now maybe we get up, pop a piece of cinnamon raisin bread in the toaster, slab some butter on it, pop a few berries on the side, make a coffee, and voila breakfast is served! Well, while you’re scrolling on Instagram, your favorite fitness influencer or celebrity pops up with washboard abs and a piece of *beautifully* crafted avocado toast, perfect eggs, a million seasonings, a kale something, something juice, and at least five supplements.
Now that cinnamon raisin toast, fruit, and coffee isn’t looking too hot. ‘
Sure the avocado toast meal is packed with nutrients, but so was the simple toast, fruit, and coffee.
This process will repeat over and over, and over again. By the time you go home for the day, you'll either be so exhausted from comparing, or your wallet is crying because there are a million things on your new wish list.
We’re constantly told to be “that girl,” the one with the perfect morning routine, flawless meals, and endless energy. But here’s the truth: being “that girl” has nothing to do with what you buy or eat. It’s about finding confidence in your own rhythm-the one that gets you through the day. And that’s always enough.