Let me make one thing very clear: I am, in no way, shape, or form, an expert on romantic relationships. In fact, I am quite the opposite, and have a few failed boyfriends, girlfriends, situationships, and oddly romantic friendships to prove it. However, as I approach the end of my teenage years and officially step into my twenties, I have become quite certain about one relationship: the one I have with myself.
As I began fawning over romance in my early elementary years, I yearned for a passionate, grandiose, fairy-tale-level relationship. While I wasn’t sure if this was achievable at twelve with the brace-faced boys in my geometry class, I thought, surely, by the time I reached college I’d have met someone. They would be charming, intelligent, kind, and a whole slew of other positive adjectives. My own Mr. Darcy. Well, as you can imagine, that hasn’t happened.
Regardless, this leads to the point I am trying to make. I have spent so many years looking for a partner in someone else that I lost sight of the partnership I had with myself. I felt so lonely searching for myself in someone else that I failed to realize that I had neglected the lifelong, inescapable tie I had to my own attributes. I find that many of us– and perhaps I’m speaking too broadly– fail to nurture what is within us. We pine over finding out what our romantic interests are like, what their good qualities are, how they spend their time, and lose those parts of ourselves.
While I cannot say I have successfully cracked the code to romantic partnership, I am confident that I have begun to work on that I share with myself. I have reopened parts of myself I haven’t cherished since I was a child, rediscovering what I like to do. While it’s shifted from a passion for my Barbie Dream House to political activism, and Popsugar to an intense love for books like Donna Tartt’s The Secret History, it serves me. There is no ulterior motive in appealing to someone who might want to date me, it just satisfies my soul. I know I am empathetic and strong-willed, but unfortunately stubborn and often cynical. I may not have a romantic partner to psychoanalyze, and there are things I still don’t know about myself too, but I have now dedicated my energy to the one that matters most.
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