Dreams Changing

I’ve yearned for the spotlight my entire life. I started dancing when I was five years old, and even though I understood that I wasn’t great at it, I still loved doing it. All of my dance home videos feature me in the back row slightly offbeat but with the biggest smile beaming from the stage. I always loved the glitter eyeshadow, flowy skirts, and curled hair. At age 9 I transitioned from dancing to singing, and found my voice in vocal lessons. 10 years later I still meet with the same vocal coach every Wednesday at 7pm. When I started singing I thought I wanted to be Taylor Swift, but I started theater in middle school and finally realized I actually wanted to be Rachel Berry. Not only did I admire her gorgeous voice, but her unrelenting tenacity.

When I danced I loved the showbiz of the performance. When I sang I loved feeling like I earned applause. Throughout middle school I was an extremely awkward kid. I was never the girl who was asked to cotillion or did well in public speaking, but when I was on the stage none of that mattered. I was able to step into my alter ego. The intimidating Witch in Into the Woods, Elsa the powerful older sister in Frozen, or the funny smart side character in Mary Poppins. Even from a young age, each of these roles taught me a valuable lesson I carry with me today. I loved the play aspect of the theater, truly living for the art of pretending. This gave me more confidence in my life and helped me form truly important friendships. I’m a goal oriented person and a perfectionist at my core. I loved the execution and discipline within the theater. I began pushing myself and expecting more of myself. I maintained vocal lessons, specifically focusing on developing my voice in opera. This further pushed me and cultivated my intense nature. By the time I entered high school I knew I was good at theater, and was able to reap the benefits. But, I was in a vulnerable and impressionable position. At 14 I loved theater because I loved knowing I was good at something. I loved the applause.

I kept searching for that applause. My freshman year of highschool I had a big part in the play we put on, and was the only freshman in the cast. I was taken under the wing of upperclassmen and guided towards this quest of perfection. I’ve always been good at doing what I’m told. My director told me what was required of me in order to get the applause I wanted.. My sophomore year I was the lead in the musical. Only freshman with a named part. Everyone hated me. Except the audience, they loved me, and I loved them. I was predominately friends with the upperclassmen, my peers started rumors about me and gave me more motivation to prove just how good I was and could be. This cycle continued into my junior year.

When conversations regarding college became more serious I was dead set that I was majoring in musical theatre. I wanted to be on Broadway, and would do anything to make it happen. My high school director offered to be my acting coach, and together we would get me into whatever program I desired. Well things didn’t go according to plan. The college audition process pushed me in ways I didn’t know were possible, but ultimately for the better. I began considering why I loved theater and realized it was less about the applause and more making a difference in people’s lives. Walking out of college auditions, I found myself excited about programs that highlighted communication and politically motivated art more than the auditions that simply requested me to sing. I was interested in the collaboration of art and society. How does art inform our society and vice versa? I began working for a non-profit professional theatre company to make art more accessible. I worked to break down themes in complex shows and help raise money for thematically connected charities. I auditioned for 20 schools while maintaining my academics and performing. I burnt out. I didn’t handle rejection well, but I was still determined.

May 15th, 2024: college decision date. Spur of the moment pick, University of

Pittsburgh.

May 17th, 2024: I got into NYU Tisch School of the Arts.

May 21st, 2024: I turn down NYU Tisch School of the Arts.

May 22nd, 2024: My director of 4 years tells me I will never have a career in acting.

Early into my first semester at Pitt I realized I didn’t want to act anymore. At first I thought it was because I lost my love for performing, but I realized I hated having the pressure of other people weighing me down. I wanted to perform for myself, and explore other aspects of myself. For so long I have associated myself solely with theater, but who was I without it? It was time to figure it out. I learned that I’m a good leader. I learned that I enjoy writing. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. It’s terrifying. It’s freeing. There is beauty in change. It’s hard to recognize it. It makes you uncomfortable. It makes you gag, you hate yourself and feel lost at sea with no compass. But it’s beautiful. When you’re lost in the storm you find beauty in the dissonance of crashing waves. You don’t need to figure everything out right now. It’s okay to not know what you need and take a back seat. Your new dream will find you, don't go looking for it.

So to younger me. I’m sorry I gave up on “The Dream”. I’m sorry that you probably think that I’m weak for it. I’m sorry that I cannot bring you the goal you want. The goal you want is not the goal you deserve. I promise you. Just because we’re not “The Best” anymore does not mean that we wasted our time. It’s important to do things for you. We are finding a new dream. We’re not reinventing ourself, but adding onto the us we love so dearly. Our new dream is coming.