We’ve all been there: “They had a bad childhood.” “This bad thing happened to them once.” “They just have mental health issues.” Like bae, yes they do…yes they do have mental health issues. And so do you, but I don’t see you making it everyone else's problem (yikes).
Regardless, I know that feeling of wanting to “fix” someone, all too well. I thought that if I loved them enough, they would trust me to open up about their feelings. That if they opened up about their feelings, they would change. I also made the mistake of assuming that if they knew that how they were treated as a kid was wrong, they wouldn’t do it to me. WRONG! Actually it became an excuse to continue that bad behavior. Oops!
But don’t worry you guys, I’m here to tell you how to actually change someone in only 10 super easy steps. We can start from scratch too, so you can still participate if you have a partner. Let's call this person…uh…Jamie. Now, Jamie is your dream person. While you think about who your dream person is, I’ll start listing off some attributes that you can choose from:
-Mysterious
-Plays guitar
-Has a cool sense of fashion
-Athletic
-Family issues
-Business major
-Likes trucks
-Funny
-Sarcastic
Okay, boom. Attributes done. Now what about appearance?
-Hot
Okay, we’re done now. So, how this will work is we are going to pretend that you guys are already friends. They’ve opened up to you a bit about their past, which explains why they can be a little mean or closed off sometimes. And of course, these little pieces of information draw you in. Why? Because you’re special! They opened up to you. So basically, if you can get them to open up to you fully, by loving them unconditionally, you can convince them to change and be a better person…because by loving them you are creating a safe space for healing. Duh. So how do we start this process?
Step 1: Become Their Best Friend - Obviously you can’t just jump right in. We have to play the long game if they’re going to be our forever soulmates, right? We have to get them to trust you: that is our biggest goal here. But what does this look like? How do we become their bestest friend in the whole wide world? Well, you have to analyze what exactly they value in the people they surround themselves with. But most importantly, what are they lacking? Do they feel neglected in some areas? Do they feel unheard? THIS is where you become that space for them. Say things like: “How are you feeling today?” or “How did that make you feel?” or “You did not deserve that.” Be their dream girl early on…they don’t know it yet but you are!!! So once you become their best friend…
Step 2: Withdraw - Now this step can vary. If they already know they like you back and have made a move, that’s great! But for the girlies who need to give them that extra push: withdraw.
Now that you’ve given them all this attention, in order for them to want you, you have to make them realize what they had all along. You have to make them realize that they are missing something when you aren’t there. Now this doesn’t mean you should abandon them; remember, we still have to maintain their trust. However, Jamies can be a little slow sometimes, and that’s okay. So withdraw, make them realize how lucky they are to have you so that they want to be with you. Sometimes people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone!
Step 3: Bask in the Honeymoon Phase - If you’ve made it to Step 3, congrats! It’s probably taken you a long time to get here, as we’ve used the slow burn method. This is the time before any conflict arises, so enjoy it!!! The fact that they like you romantically at all is amazing, and you feel so so special. Are they taking you out on dates or getting you flowers? They don’t even have to! You can even say that to them, because you are lucky to even be in their life at all- bonus points if they express that to you! Regardless, this stage doesn’t last forever, and it’s definitely one of the most euphoric ones. But NOT as euphoric as when you change them, because we have not lost sight of our goal quite yet. We are looking for that deep emotional bond, which we don’t have quite yet. In this stage, you know that their bad or unhealthy habits exist, but it’s easy to ignore…because we’re gonna be able to fix them eventually. Change doesn't happen overnight! Which leads us to Step 4.
Step 4: Figure Out Your Needs - Now that the honeymoon phase is over, you’ve started to realize what your needs are in particular. Because everyone’s different right? And we now know that the saying “if they wanted to, they would” isn’t quite true; if we haven’t communicated our needs to them yet, how are they supposed to know? This is where we show our consideration and showcase our healthy relationship habits. If we can show that we’re a stable partner, they will trust us even more. Also, bonds become deeper after some healthy communication. Let’s say that we ask Jamie to post us on our birthday, which is coming up! This leads us to Step 5.
Step 5: Compromise - Oops…Jamie said that they don’t use social media like that. Or simply put, they’re just not that kinda guy. This may sting at first, but don’t let that get you down! Trying to change who someone is, is not good. We love Jamie for exactly who they are, remember? This is where we can compromise with Jamie to at least post us on Valentine's Day or our anniversary (Jamie can choose!). We wouldn’t want Jamie to feel like they’re not good enough for us, because they are more than enough. We also can’t stand the thought of losing them. Birthdays aren’t that important anyway.
Step 6: Work On Your Unhealthy Habits - Jamie is now upset, as they feel like you’re asking too much of them. You’ve stressed them out. Unfortunately, you’ve continued to “find things” to complain about regarding their behavior. We all know that you’ve done way worse at times! You try to explain to them that it makes you sad when you’re always the one making the plans, or when they made that one comment about you (bonus points if it was in public!), or that their new girl best friend is being really friendly with them (you are the OG girl best friend!!!)...but Jamie remains convinced that you are putting too much pressure on them. To make matters worse, when Jamie leaves the room or stops talking when you are trying to tell them about how they
made you feel, you get upset! Girl, you can’t do that! You have to remain calm at all times…and be mindful of how you’re communicating.
So follow these steps: use “I” statements. Avoid saying “you always do this” or “you never do that.” Using definitive words like that may cause Jamie to get defensive- and you probably would get defensive too if Jamie said that to you. You probably already have! We can’t be defensive, that ruins the trust. And whatever you do, don’t rush them into communicating with you. Being pushy, controlling, jealous, and needy…are all unhealthy behaviors. Remember, you’ve also made lots of mistakes. Be patient and let Jamie come to you. Your past mistakes might be another reason they’re not great at communicating, even if Jamie is just now telling you about that! We always knew that they had trouble with opening up, so we just need to be patient and understanding. What is in our control right now? Our actions. So let’s hold ourselves accountable and change for the better, for Jamie! An apology is only as valid as the change that follows it. We also need to understand that Jamie might have an avoidant attachment style.
Step 7: Understand Their Needs As An Avoidant - Now, this step may not apply to everyone. If this doesn’t apply to you, feel free to skip to Step 8. For those of you who are still here, it’s time to do some research girl! Now, we already know that they had a bad childhood, or maybe they were even cheated on in the past. Regardless, they probably have a hard time being vulnerable! We already knew this beforehand, and that’s why we tried so hard to become a safe place for them. We have to be different. It may be confusing as to why we are suddenly no longer a safe place for them to share their feelings with us (because we were once before!), but that is why we just have to try harder! The slow burn is still burning! Slowly! Anyway, when you do your research, you’ll find that avoidants often need space during conflict. Conflict activates their “fight or flight,” and since they were shamed for having emotions as a kid, it’s hard for them to open up as an adult. Taking space can look like them leaving the room for a bit or taking a break from texting or being on a phone call. You should accept that sometimes, they may never come back after they take space, and that is simply because you’ve overwhelmed them. If this is true, reread Step 6.
Step 8: Recognize That They’re Still Healing - They have flaws for a reason and we love all of Jamie, not just the good parts. That’s what love means, it’s a choice. And we choose Jamie. At this point, you can still presume that because they were treated badly in the past, they would never do that same thing to you. Jamie can recognize that it was wrong when it happened to them, so why would they do that to you? Duh. They talk about it all the time! You’re a safe girlfriend. Regardless, they still need time to trust you fully to fix their bad habits. But luckily, you’ve communicated to them in a healthy way that their unhealthy habits hurt you. And this time, Jamie actually said they would change! They even offered a solution that you have been pitching all along! They apologized for hurting you, which is a GREAT sign. You are so close to changing them!
Step 9: Be Patient - Now, healing is not linear! This period definitely feels like a long…long…long time. Jamie will not change right away, and that’s okay. Change takes time. Your patience will show Jamie just how much you love them! You guys are gonna be together forever, and you’ve come this far! Right? At this point, you’ve probably been together for at least a year, maybe even way…way longer! Yet unfortunately, you get frustrated when Jamie repeatedly lets you down. You’ve started to notice just how long it’s been since they said they would change…and they still haven’t. You’re confused why Jamie said they would change…a while ago, and yet you always seem to end up back at square one with them. And that’s where we convince ourselves…that certain needs of ours really are too much! And that’s okay, let Jamie tell you what they can actually provide for you. Let them come to you, and tell you what they’re comfortable with doing. They can tell you how you’ll feel loved. It’s the only way this relationship is going to survive and you don’t want Jamie to leave you, do you?!
Step 10: Leave Jamie - Wait…wait a minute who wrote that? *door creaking* Who just walked in? Who are you? *evil laughing* Wait..ah..*bonk*...AH…AHHHH…………………………….hi guys! I’m logic. Now you may be thinking, why the hell did I write that? You’re in love with Jamie, right? Girl I know you are. I’ve watched you obsess over them for years at this point. You’ve been obsessing over them…yet I see you crying all the time? What was that? Did you say it’s because you’re not good enough for Jamie? Girl…PULL. YOURSELF. TOGETHER. If your dedication, patience, and loyalty to that person for YEARS doesn’t prove that you’re good enough for them, I don’t know what will. How many times have you told Jamie to change? How many times have you told Jamie that their lack of effort hurts you? You’ve done everything right…you’ve changed your unhealthy communication habits, you use “I” statements, and you’re as considerate about their feelings as you could possibly be…but is Jamie considerate about your feelings too? How long ago did you tell Jamie to change? What was that? A YEAR??? BITCH WHAT ARE YOU ON RIGHT NOW! Look, you can love someone and know that you deserve better. You deserve someone who puts in effort back! Are you content with who Jamie is right now, or who they might be in the future? If you’re not ready to hear this, make note of this date in time. If they haven’t learned how to communicate in a healthy way, taken you out on a date, or done the things they said they would, in 6 months from now…you’ll have your answer.
[6 months later]…don’t let the breadcrumbs fool you girl! You can’t change someone who does not want to change - xoxo.
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