I’ve been an introvert since I was young and tended to have a small amount of close friends. Normally I would stumble upon someone who decided they wanted to be my friend, which made it easy for me to be their friend; it was like someone plucked me like a flower from the vine growing on the brick.
This worked for a while, but I realized I wanted more friends after I began college. I watched as everyone else developed friendships and became closer to each other. Meanwhile, I developed one-sided friendships; I was so busy watching I forgot to reach out and talk to people—a key part of making friends.
I can manage to talk to people, but I struggle to make those deep connections because I never did as a child. I understand the basics—talking, joking, hanging out— but I’ve allowed myself to be a wallflower for so long that it feels unnatural to advance my connections with people from surface-level to meaningful. It’s almost like a form of self-sabotage; I subconsciously keep myself from becoming close to people so I don’t have to worry about whether or not they want to be my friend.
Occasionally I have random bursts of confidence. Something in my brain clicks and I can be an active participant in my life, not just an observer. I’m suddenly capable of having casual conversations with people or hanging out with someone outside of my friend group.
Other times everything feels extremely forced. I want to talk to people, but at the same time, I just want to stay a silent observer, making the conversations seem forced and awkward. These interactions typically lead to me crying in the shower afterward because I overanalyzed what I said and now feel incapable of human interaction.
I’m trying so hard to grow out of the habits I’ve been so complicit with, but it feels like I’m stuck to the wall I’m growing on. I had no problem being a wallflower when I was younger, but now it feels like my vines are wrapping around me, holding me hostage and slowly suffocating me. I know I have to do something soon, the longer I stay in these habits the harder it will be for me to escape the wall.
Sometimes I feel like I can stretch the vines I’m hanging on far enough to connect with people, making everything feel natural. But it doesn’t take long for the vine to become taught, causing me to return to the comforting familiarity of the wall. Maybe someday I’ll be able to break off from the vine holding me captive to the wall, but part of me fears I’ll be a wallflower for the rest of my life.
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