Solitude is a delicacy that not everyone can digest–rich and robust and somewhat difficult to swallow. To some, it’s a treat. Sure, if you indulge in it too often, it may become a bore. But if you allow your taste buds to mature, taking in the flavors bite by bite, it may grow on you. 

Solitude has been my comfort food. I’ve sampled it during walks in Schenley Park, at-home movie nights, and Sunday morning resets.

But lately, I’ve been fantasizing about living in a four-bedroom apartment with three other girls. We wouldn’t need to plan nights out; we could live off of spontaneity, eating Trader Joe’s microwave dinners and randomly deciding on a Friday night that we have the energy to dance. We’d flood into a bathroom far too small to fit us all, and take turns sharing a straightener while picking out everyone’s tiny top, baggy jean combo. The best part: I wouldn’t return to an empty home. There’d be a debrief waiting for me at breakfast. A meal I normally skip.

If I followed the recipe for making friends in college, I’d be planning group grad pictures for the upcoming spring. Maybe my group would be my roommates, or the friends that I met on my freshman year floor. We’d take photos of us standing in front of the fountain near the Frick Fine Arts building with Cathy in the background, and post to our Instagrams with the Dr. Dog song, “Where’d All the Time Go?” Eventually, we’d walk home with our heels in hand and gowns draped over our shoulders, reminiscing about all the memories we made across the four years we spent together. But I skipped the recipe.

Solitude has an aftertaste, and people are quick to point it out:

“Don’t you get FOMO?”

“You're too friendly to be an introvert.”

“If I were you, my thoughts would get too loud.”

They do: What if I hadn’t let my previous experience with roommates scar me, and I had actually taken the leap of faith and lived with girls for my last two years of college? What if I weren’t such a pushover and let people abuse my social battery? Do I even blame them?

For so long, I’d proudly exclaim how I’m an introvert. My time spent alone wasn’t only necessary, but sweet: staying up late, listening to my records, and dancing around my living room like I’m in a 90s coming-of-age movie. My at-home concert attire was an oversized t-shirt thrown over some underwear, and fuzzy socks to top it off. And when I started feeling breathless from jumping on my bed for far too many minutes, a tub of ice cream would be waiting for me in the freezer. I could turn off my records, crawl into bed, and let the sound of trains passing by lull me to sleep.

The second I put my social battery on the back burner, my time alone turned into doomscrolling until 3 AM and sleeping in until 5 PM. It tasted sour, but I was willing to sacrifice my emotions to be there for others. In reality, I was draining all the energy I had left, so much so that my alone time wasn’t enough to recharge me. 

Solitude should be savored.

As I’ve entered my senior year, I’ve let people go and have felt my stomach ache because I don’t know how to tell them why. How does one explain they need more time alone? 

I remember that I don’t have the stereotypical friend group that people write sitcoms about, and I begin wondering where I fit in. But I do have friends from freshman year who I can happily say have stuck by my side throughout all my ups and downs. I have close ones who welcome me into their homes so often that their roommates have become my friends as well. They inspire me to make last-minute plans, listen to undiscovered artists, unapologetically speak about politics, text that one person I’ve been meaning to catch up with, and fully embrace time spent alone.

It seems counterintuitive, but all this time spent with people who fill my cup has made me crave solitude again. That time to reflect, to consume, to create, to dance, to sing off-key. I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit to the occasional loneliness, but I can confidently say that solitude has started tasting sweet again.

Written by Nina Southern

Edited by Wendy Moore and Julia Brummell

Graphic by Nina Southern

These things take time 

Unwillingness 

Irreverence 

Obdurate omnipresence 

Stepping afar induced relief 

from a personalized station. 

The first step brought hesitation 

Well compatriot, it was more than the first 

As I switched right to left I shuffled backwards in bursts Fully approaching with forward motion 

She was startled as though a doe 

Fully halting engagement made the entire advancement forgo 

Natural forward motion 

Lunar eclipses guide the ocean 

Waves roll in, one after the next 

Never worrying about wavering, 

never waver on with worry. 

Reflect as though a deer facing off headlights, 

The final showdown, 

Always unknown. 

The moon reflects the sun, 

though only moonlight shows. 

Singular steps mirror the success of future days unseen. 

Stationed in a combative theater 

Deployment essential, 

an unwanted dream. 

Identity reveals and intrepid zeitgeist 

Never look back, 

but always think twice. 

Perfection arranges complexes 

Levels wring the necks of their proclaimers 

Elucidate the ambient reckoning 

Pressure echoing in the heart of fools

Precipitate out the privilege 

Shed the foolhardiness and praise 

Simplify, don’t crucify 

In lighter moments rest your gaze 

With the steps come hesitation, 

And hesitations abandon as time, 

Comes forward for resequestration, 

Of our Hearts, our Bodies, and Minds 

Obdurate omnipresence 

Built the cornerstone of all contentions 

Projected premonitions in all directions 

Though barely a signal was detected 

Never assume that the “right step” should be taken… When it only was directed 

I think I may know my next step. 

Again. 

For the first time.

Written by Alaina Welser

Graphic by Hannah Russell

When selfishness is understood as the act of prioritizing one’s own needs, well-being, and tough choices, personal growth plays a crucial role in improving mental stability. True selfishness is not about neglecting others or becoming self-centered;. iIt is about understanding that taking care of oneself is an essential part of becoming a better human being. Although some people give selfishness a negative connotation, by examining increased self respect, improved relationships and sky-rocketing maturity it is clear that being selfish is a key role in personal growth. 

One of the most significant benefits of embracing selfishness is the increased self-respect that comes with it. Many people struggle with self-esteem issues because they spend so much time rooted in other people’s problems, ultimately neglecting their own needs. When individuals learn to focus on themselves, they begin to develop a deeper sense of self. One way this can occur is setting personal boundaries. Taking care of oneself ensures that a person does not lose their sense of identity. For example, I may decide to take a “self care day,” say no to a work shift or stay in on a Saturday night. I make sure to take time for my own hobbies, activities, and relaxation without feeling the need to please others. This boosts my confidence and solidifies the idea that my own happiness is just as important as everyone else’s. Making oneself a priority helps to eliminate the guilt that often accompanies putting personal needs first. When a person realizes that taking care of themselves isn’t selfish in a negative way, but rather necessary for mental and physical health, they can build a stronger foundation of self-esteem.

Though some may disagree, being selfish can actually improve relationships. People who take time to nurture their own mental and emotional health not only are more pleasant to be around but are better individuals to be supported by. Within relationships, healthy selfishness can be a positive thing. The saying goes, “You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.” It is evident that when a person knows what they need and want in life, they are more likely to have better communication skills, reducing any misunderstanding amongst a relationship. Whether the relationship is platonic or romantic, respect should be a given. A person who seeks to benefit themselves first will know how to demand the respect they know they are worthy of.  Positive selfishness means not settling for relationships that are mentally and physically harmful.  If someone is being called “selfish” for wanting to get out of a toxic relationship, then so be it. Ultimately, that person would be doing a disservice to themselves if they stayed in that relationship. From personal experience, I have had to distance myself from a friendship because of the competitiveness we were exhibiting. This time apart helped my friend understand that this wasn’t me rejecting her out of my life but rather it was a moment to recharge as a personal necessity. Some may see this as a selfish act, but I believe it facilitated our friendship to become stronger than ever.  Now, we both acknowledge when we need a moment of distance or a reset in order for us to be a better friend to one another. 

Additionally, self-prioritization fosters maturity by encouraging individuals to make tough choices that lead to necessary benefits. Growing up, difficult decisions will come and go and sometimes someone may need to make the best call for themselves at that moment in time. Maturity is demonstrated through the ability to detect when a situation serves no real value to one’s well-being while also having the courage to make necessary changes. For instance, I once have had to leave a job during its busiest season because it was affecting me mentally. My manager wanted me to stay but I had to maturely decline for my personal growth. This form of selfishness allows people to become more independent and it builds resilience needed to navigate life’s obstacles. 

On the other hand, excessive amounts of selfishness can have negative effects. Crossing the “self-centered line” could lead to strained relationships, social isolation, and an inability to show empathy towards others. Putting down others is different than solely lifting oneself up. Self-improvement should never never come at the expense of others. Personal growth is a balance between self-care and still being a good person. While displaying boundaries and making tough choices, it is equally important to practice empathy throughout life.

In conclusion,  healthy selfishness is a vital part of leading a fulfilling lifestyle and fascinating positive relationships. It helps foster self-esteem issues, help individuals grow, and ensures that they are able to be attentive to others. By focusing on one’s own needs and desires, people can create lives that are in line with their values, build stronger bonds, and contribute positively to their environment. As a society, it is time to change the way we see selfishness. Instead, we shall recognize it as a powerful form of self discovery in enhancing personal growth.

Written by Abby Cacoilo

Edited by Ashley O'Doherty and Elisabeth Kay

Graphic by Genevieve Harmount

Shower Thought:

I’ve come to the realization that recently…not even recently, but in general, I feel like I’ve just been consuming way too much media. Now this isn’t a bad thing, but this also isn’t the most superficial best thing that’s going on in my life. However, at the same time, consuming media has altered my personality in ways that me just living my life really wouldn’t, in the case that others around have used such forms to express themselves as well. So that being said, you know when we think of media in terms of these past few years, we can think of certain news such as presidential elections, protests, etc. But when I think of media, I also think of very creative people that you would never just see on a random day walking to work. Sometimes I would be on my phone for eight to eleven hours a day. Other times it could only be four hours a day, which goes to show how much I really consume in that one singular day. So on certain days, I feel much more expressive and intuitive with my thoughts, yet for the rest, my forms of expression can feel like a comparison rather than motivation. 

For example, Pinterest is one of my favorite apps. I get so much inspiration and plenty of motivation from Pinterest especially with what I want to do with my future. I could be scrolling through Pinterest for hours and hours and people around me may think like “oh you’re just looking through other people’s life, you’re not really using it for yours.” That could be true, perhaps in their minds; but for me, a simple pin to my “future career” board on Pinterest changes my perception of where I stand today to really, really manifest. The same as looking back five to ten years, what’s to come in the next couple of hours, you know? So to be fair, of course using your phone, your laptop, any other forms of digital device that can produce media can be unhealthy for individuals like myself, but that doesn’t mean that it’s useless. 

Where I’m going with this is to say that for future generations, media can really be consumed in  that you want it to. If you want to use it to cure your boredom, you an easy doom scroll can fulfill that. And that’s perfectly fine because that’s what you want (and need) for the time being. But as for myself, using media and observing how others have used it has given me ways to frequently style myself, improve my vocabulary, educate, and regenerate the losses I’ve felt days prior.

Written by Alicia Sayaka

Edited by Clara Jane Mack and Julia Brummell

Graphic by Alicia Hardy

There it is again, that annoying sound of the alarm clock going off every. single. morning. You rush to turn it off, maybe pick up your phone and doom scroll for a few minutes, and roll back to sleep for an hour that feels like five minutes. This is realistic. If I took a poll of a room right now, I would bet a significant amount of people do this. 

Yet, when you scroll on tiktok, you may see an ad for the Hatch Alarm Clock. You know, the aesthetic one that rises with the sun and plays pretty bird chirping sounds. All of a sudden that very alarm clock you used this morning isn’t on trend so you go to buy the $170 Hatch. Okay, we’re just trying to be more relaxed in the morning, right? 

We don’t just compare waking up habits, we do the same thing with food. Now maybe we get up, pop a piece of cinnamon raisin bread in the toaster, slab some butter on it, pop a few berries on the side, make a coffee, and voila breakfast is served! Well, while you’re scrolling on Instagram, your favorite fitness influencer or celebrity pops up with washboard abs and a piece of *beautifully* crafted avocado toast, perfect eggs, a million seasonings, a kale something, something juice, and at least five supplements. 

Now that cinnamon raisin toast, fruit, and coffee isn’t looking too hot. ‘ 

Sure the avocado toast meal is packed with nutrients, but so was the simple toast, fruit, and coffee. 

This process will repeat over and over, and over again. By the time you go home for the day, you'll either be so exhausted from comparing, or your wallet is crying because there are a million things on your new wish list. 

We’re constantly told to be “that girl,” the one with the perfect morning routine, flawless meals, and endless energy. But here’s the truth: being “that girl” has nothing to do with what you buy or eat. It’s about finding confidence in your own rhythm-the one that gets you through the day. And that’s always enough.

Written by Caitlyn Wallace

Edited by Liv Kessler and Julia Brummell

Graphic by Johannah Ryder

     Around ten o’clock on a Saturday night in early May of this year, I came home from my second flight of my 13-hour travel day; finally saying goodbye to my semester abroad. I was greeted by my parents and younger siblings at the Pittsburgh International Airport baggage claim where they hugged, kissed, and helped me grab my three overpacked suitcases—each having luggage tags from both the JFK International Airport in New York City and the Copenhagen International Airport. I was back home for the first time in four months. It was the longest I have ever been away from my hometown, let alone out of the country. I wore a very similar outfit to the one I had worn when I left, but with me, I brought home new clothes, new experiences and friendships, and dozens of postcards from each of the nine countries to which I had traveled. 

It has now been a little over four months since then. 

     I try to carry small reminders of my time studying abroad with me everyday, whether that be the clothes I bought, the postcards and pictures covering the wall in my room, or the ring my mom bought for me when she, my dad, and my younger brother visited me in Copenhagen. I’m also still connected with many of the people I met and formed relationships with while I was abroad. So, I wonder why I’m all of a sudden experiencing a very dramatic pain in my chest when I think about that four month period of my life. Why have I become so emotional and somewhat detached from my life back at school? Why is now any different from the first week after coming back home or even from last week? Why am I struggling to readjust to the life that I’ve lived for so long?

     I feel like people tend to talk more about their experiences adjusting to a new place rather than readjusting to an old one—especially when it comes to studying abroad. There was a lot of support from the study abroad program for me while I was there, but I feel as though I’ve had minimal support from the program after coming back to a place that I’ve been away from for so long. I don’t think I realized how much the transition back to my life in Pittsburgh would affect me, especially when it was time for me to come back to school.

Personally, it was easiest for me to feel distracted by my old responsibilities when I first came home—my responsibilities as a daughter, an older sibling, a friend, and a person. I also had a new job, new co-workers, a fresh room, and a different but closer relationship with my parents and siblings. Being away from home for so long made me realize how much I really care for my family. Because of this, I prioritized reconnecting with my younger brother, sister, and with my mom and dad. I wanted to come home and do all of the things I hadn’t done while I was abroad—like eating dinner with my family or hanging out with my siblings and friends everyday. Or even do the small things like driving a car again.

     Now that I’m back at school and fully in the swing of things, I can admit that I feel a little off. No amount of conversations with friends and family, self-care, or Prozac has improved the way that I feel. I haven’t been able to transition back to school the way that I thought I would. I think I’m starting to realize that my issues stem from my confusion about building a life for myself in a new place with new people and then suddenly leaving that all behind, knowing that I can never revisit those moments in those places with those people. My crisis is that I’m suffering from a major reality check. Because I’ve neglected to describe to people from home or family how fulfilling my experience in Copenhagen really was, I haven’t been able to pin-point the source of my discomfort. I’ve tried hard not to be the annoying friend who just came back from studying abroad and can’t stop comparing it to everything.

     I completely understand the stupidity of what I’m about to say, but I truly don’t think I realized how much I missed those four perfect months (minus the situationship and the contact dermatitis I developed on my eyes) until I watched Belly Conklin, from the show The Summer I Turned Pretty, move to Paris and experience a freedom from her complicated life back home. I’m not implying that my life at home is complicated, but then again, whose isn’t? I think I’m trying to say that I relate to Belly on some level. I, in a way, escaped many of my responsibilities by moving halfway across the world to Copenhagen, Denmark to study art and film, make new friends, and live on my own, like she did.

     Maybe I’m simply realizing how much I enjoy the pace that life moves in Europe—slower. I didn’t have a job, I wasn’t worried about paying rent and utilities every month, I took on a lot less responsibility in this club, and school was easy. Denmark also happens to rank among the happiest nations in the world consistently, so I guess it’s no surprise that I’d come home and feel a little out of it once I got back into my “normal” routine—in a country that doesn’t necessarily prioritize the well-being of its citizens. I need to understand that this transition might take a little longer than I thought, and that I need to be patient. 

     In no world would I ever take back my time in Europe, either. Being someone who was born in Pittsburgh, decided to go to college in Pittsburgh, and had never been out of the country, I did something incredibly brave. I had so much fun, and I learned so much while studying abroad. Perhaps this realization will encourage me to be more adventurous in my life. I’ll do more things that I’m scared to do, and maybe one day (hopefully soon), I’ll visit Copenhagen again. Maybe I’ll make a career out of traveling the world or find a place abroad to live long-term. Or maybe, I’ll realize that I don’t need to move far away and create a new life to be happy. But, I guess until I’ve fully re-adapted, I won’t know what the future holds for me, and that’s okay because it’s so cool to live in a world where I have the opportunity to do and be whatever I want, wherever I want.

Written by Maggie Knox

Edited by Alyssa Valdivia and Julia Brummell

Graphic by Maggie Knox